The Failure of the Nail Excursion

There was a point in my life, exactly three months ago, when I had this fanaticism with decorating my nails. Every time I saw someone with decorated nails, I would "Ooo" and "Ahh", but secretly I envied them and vowed that I would have the best nails in the land. This "nail fix" knew no bounds; even had me creating Pinterest boards on how many different ways I could decorate, manipulate, and paint my nails.

Newspaper nails? Yep, I have that tutorial, in French as well. Checkerboard black with a hot pink background? Yes again, though I still don't know if it requires a stencil or not. Floral nails? Serious? Are you fucking with me? You must of spent your whole damn day making those tiny flowers on something that's going to chip when you wipe your ass.

Regardless, it was a very low point in my life, this nail fixation, and there was a time that it reached an all time low. It was about the time that Sally Hansen had released her "Salon Effects." If you haven't had the chance to look upon this wonderful product, they are simply just decals for nails of "salon" designs that you MAGICALLY apply to your nails. It's that simple.


I believe this is what ensued in the minds behind Sally Hansen when they thought of this magnificent product:

- start commercial -

First Girl - "OH EM GEE, is that you Kelly?"

Kelly - "Hey Girl! What's up?"

First Girl - "Nothing much! Just getting some shopping done! How are you? Are you still with Jose?"

Kelly - "No, I left that cheating motherfucker's ass long time ago!"

First Girl - "GGGGiiirrrrllll! You know it! Lying son-of-a-bitch's need to get their asses handed to them!"

Kelly - "For real y'all!"

First Girl - "And OH EH GEE, how cuters are your nails!"

Kelly - "Thanks Girl! I got them did at a salon!"

*Kelly winks at camera*

- end commercial -


Practically every magazine, commercial, and bus banner¹ had that stupid nail shit advertised. And I was the moron who just had to have it. So one day, I planned it all out. I would walk to my local pharmacy store, grab one (or two) of the designs that I wanted, and walk back home, proud as ever of my purchase, ready to apply these wondrous products to my gorgeous hands and be the jealousy of all my coworkers the following day.

But alas, this was not the case. I remember that I began to chronicle my expedition for nail perfection only because I believed that, in the end, I would be victorious in this on-going battle waged against others with known nail perfection unbeknownst to them. So here begins the short, sad story of Dangereux and the Failure of the Nail Excursion.²

Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-147: Just came back from our nail escapade. Actually, went walking, but alas to no avail there was no other options. We are thinking about taking our venture out further. Here goes nothing!


Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-215: Entered a place called "Sally's Beauty Supply" only to come out empty. If Sally has every supply of beauty, then why doesn't she carry her own! Current Sentiment - Angered. NOTE: Did not realize that Sally Hansen is not the same Sally as Sally Beauty Supply. Apologies have been released.


Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-226: While entering premises, lady says" Pizza Hut is at the entrance. That's why you can't drink! Because you become an asshole!"

Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-228: Our mission is finally complete! Upon entering not one, but TWO stores, we believed our mission would have been futile! Yet on this premises, we found our sustenance!


Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-243: Okay, so it was $40 worth for nails. Current Sentiment - Thinking this adventure could have waited a bit.


Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-549: So our expedition proved to be even more futile than before. After what felt like a day, but in reality maybe one to two hours, the application of the nail stickers basically looks like crap. There's no sugar coating it. The only thing I was proud of is the two black nails I painted.

And those two black nails were the sexiest ever painted.

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¹ Exaggeration.

² Yes, that whole beginning was an prologue of sorts.

NOTE: Yes, post was written in chivalrous form. No, it wasn't inspired by John Malkovich.