It's About To Get Dirty Up In Here

Passing the time around the water cooler at work is sometimes a needed exercise when it comes to the stressful times of deadlines, elongated meetings, and work overload. Fortunately, that is not the case pour moi. Yes, there are deadlines. Yes, our meetings take place for about three hours. Yes, sometimes I have to work on eight¹ different things and yes, it does get stressful at times, but in actuality, this is only twenty percent of the time.² I enjoy what I do immensely, immensely because there is no other word in the world that could probably amount to how much I love my job.³ Now, I'm not here to brag about how wonderful and full my life is or that I have the job of my dreams and you don't. No, I'm simply here to make a point. And that point, which I know you're probably saying, 'Serious woman! Now's when you stop shooting the shit,' is that I have a blast at my job... Because we are the craziest, funniest, dirtiest, and sweetest bunch you'll ever meet. And here's one of the reasons why.

About a few weeks ago ("weeks" meaning before my elongated hiatus/writing vacation), the girls and I were discussing what every female group at work discusses: men, music, shoes, and sex.⁴ Now, most of us at work are what you can call a 'wordsmiths.' What's a 'wordsmith' you may ask? According to the Meriam Webster Dictionary online, a wordsmith (or word-smith [wurd-smith]) is:

1. an expert in the use of words.
2. a person, as a journalist or novelist, whose vocation is writing

Now, we've never written a book nor graduated from the field of journalism, but I'm pretty damn sure that we deserve this title to be written on our gravestones. "Here lies Dangereux. Daughter, Sister, Badass Motherfucker, Wordsmith to the Max."⁵ What in hell are you talking about, you may say, or did you just kill yourself, you montard^TM.⁶ What I was trying to say, before I rudely interrupted myself, is that I and the Awesomely Grand Family at work have come up with a series of names for something we all know too well when it comes to having not enough time on our hands: the days of the weak.

Now it's not your usual days of the week (notice the spelling of the phrase). No, this isn't your usual, "Hey TGIF!" Yes, that would be boring. This is just a little something that has been created to give you a different perspective on what you can do on a weekly basis.

Before I go into detail, therefore changing the context of this post which was meant to serve as an introductory statement, I'm just going to go ahead and stop here, leaving it at that. So stay tuned to the Days of the Weak, where extended use is recommended.

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¹ Probably not a true amount, but it sounds good for literary purposes.

² No idea, again, about the truth of this amount.

³ NOTE to Self: Find word.

⁴ Actually, we talk about EVERYTHING.

⁵ Quite costly, but worth it.

⁶ Montard is the combination of mongolic and retarded, mixed in with a little tiredness, on my part, and a dash of stupidity. I always say that I have my functioning hours, this meaning that around certain times throughout the day, my knowledge is rendered as useless. This wonderful word was spawned during one of the times, on one of those days, when speaking to me is as pointless as speaking to pigeon.<sup>7

7</sup> No pigeons were harmed during this statement.

I'm Feeling Thankful

Voyage of the Mayflower à la Dangereux

In honor of the Thanksgiving tradition of giving thanks, I've decided to write a post on thirty things that have made me thankful this year. Unfortunately, I'm more thankful during Christmas because that's when you get goodies from everyone, but I guess I can use last Christmas' acquired fortune in case I don't reach the quota that I've set up for myself. In regards to this tradition, I still ponder why it's thirty days of giving thanks, when in reality, we only make it up to the twenty-fourth. But who am I to battle with tradition on this magical day of thanking your lord that you can cook one hell of a meal and knock the fuck out right after.

So here goes nothing. I'm thankful for the following things:

• the discovery of wedges



Especially These Four!

• the discovery of my ability to braid my own hair
• I've attempted to use my superpower towards others, but alas, it won't work on others.
• Spotify and its ability to listen to full discographies or just any damn song I want
• I apologize Pandora, but you say that you're a radio station and then you play the same DAMNED songs over and over again, in various radio stations might I state. You do know that there are over a BILLION¹ songs out there. Once you get that through your little heads, please notify Y100. They, too, only believe that ten songs exist in the world.
• AC/DC is finally on iTunes
• Whoever signed the damn contract or got them to budge, I owe you a fancy dinner and an impromptu² invitation back to my place.
• all the amazing concerts I've been able to go to, ranging from the Black Keys in Madison Square Garden to Metric at the Fillmore in Miami Beach. It's been a complete blast and I can't wait for.
• If I had the opportunity to attend each concert twice, I would wholeheartedly take that chance! If only each band would play two nights in a row in each area.

• I've finally figured out how to actually put on the Sally Hansen "Salon Effects"
• Yes, this is indeed did happen after finally taking the time to sit down and slowly, but surely, put on the damned nails.³

• this lovely blog that allows me to express my feelings about certain films, music, products, and events however which way I choose
• my iPhone
• Yes, I'm THAT materialistic that this is one of the things I'm thankful for. The app I'm most thankful for: Maps. I've been known to get lost a few times and these past few weeks have forced me to use alternate routes. So thank you makers of Maps! You now have one less person lost in life.
• another year at probably the greatest job in the world next to Ringleader at the Circus
• I believe that being the Ringleader of a Circus would be an awesome job because all you'd have to do is introduce each act and look great in a top hat doing so. My next greatest job in the world: soundtrack selector for films.⁴
• insurance
• Unfortunately, I will no longer have insurance by the end of the year, so yes, I'm thankful I have it for another week or so and thankful that I discovered how great it was the month before it expired.
• online shopping
• You have no idea how much of a convenience this is for me. And now that I've bought shoes online, I feel that I can buy the world.
• great friends and coworkers
• Without them, the hours of time would pass in a speed that can only be described as paint drying. You gals are the best and here's an imaginary glass of wine⁵ to you all!
• the lack of serious injuries this year on my behalf
• Every now and then, something bad happens to me, whether it may be that I need surgery or that I can't move because I've thrown out my back. So far this year, nothing drastic or life-altering has happened. Unfortunately, now that I have stated this, December is looking pretty scary.
• Pinterest
• Now everyone and their grandmother are on Pinterest, but believe me when I say that there is still great pinners out there and boards that you can only dream of having found those pictures.
• hot ass men
• Admit it. Some of you saw this coming. Ladies, we need to rejoice that there are beautiful men out there⁶ and even though the chances are slim, be thankful that we can dream.
• dreams
• online television and the power of Hulu, Netflix, and Amazon Prime combined
• If it wasn't for all these wonderful people, I have no idea how I would have survived those long sleepless nights or I-need-to-be-watching-something dinners.
• reading
• It's been quite a while since I've read any book. I've missed it a lot, but I've started up again. If it wasn't for my curiosity about those Fifty Shades novels⁷, I would've completely gone a whole year without reading and to me, that's death. So thanks, Fifty! And by the way, I've read more provocative stories filthier than yours that would have your little masochistic ass running for cover, no pun intended.
• my newfound motivation on crafting
• Yes, I feel like being crafty and every time I do so, Beastie Boy's 'She's Crafty' runs through my brain.⁸
• my adorable puppies
• Yes, one has bad breath, the other lays down as if posing for Playgirl, one smells your eyes, and the other has a God complex, but I love them all and they are the cutest bunch of puppies out there.
• inspiring films
• In the midst of all the crap that Hollywood puts out throughout the year, I'm thankful for those rare gems that capture, motivate, inspire, and almost every time, make you awe in perpetual silence!
• my bookshelf
• Without out it, all the countless subscriptions to magazines that I have acquired throughout the year would have no place in my life, instead of now, where they are collecting dust on thanked bookshelf.
• the wonder that is IKEA
• I swear, sometimes I can kiss you Swedes!
• personal headphones
• Without it, most people would hear me listening to Justin Bieber's 'All Around the World'.⁹
• my sexy ass car
• I swear, if you break down on me now, I'll curse you to hell and back. But might I say, the long road that we travel wouldn't be bearable if it wasn't for your sunroof capabilities and volume potentiality.

• my family
• I know they're going to crucify me for putting them this far down the list, but I believe in saving the best for last¹⁰. As a whole, they are truly hilarious and a blast to be around. I look forward to times of road trips and family adventures because what better time to spend your vacation than with your very own Munsters.¹¹
• my mother
• She is my rock, my paper, my scissors, my pain in the ass, but I love her more than words can say. And if it wasn't for the fact that she slept with my dad, I wouldn't be here. So I'm thankful that she loved him enough to go all the way. Thanks Mom!¹²
• my father
• To sum it up, the man bought memory pills and forgot where he put them. How can you not love that!
• my grandmother
• She's always there with a cup of cafe con leche and two slices of toast. Te quiero mucho Abuela!¹³
• and last but not least, my kick-ass sister
• There are no few words to describe how truly amazing my little sis really is. She makes me laugh when no one else can and she makes me proud like no other person does. I know she's reading this¹⁴, so here you go little shit, the only written proof¹⁵ that you mean the world to me. And I swear, if you come into my room and you're crying, I'm going to throw you out.

So there you have it. These are the things that I'm most thankful for this year. I can only hope that next year the winds of change will move me in another positive direction and guide to more things that I can be thankful for because if not, I'm just copying and pasting from this list. Now, if you'd like me to succeed this list with things that I'm NOT thankful for, I can assure you that thirty slots wouldn't be enough.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
 

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¹ Estimation.

² Impromptu on your part.

³ Didn't help that I bought TWO of the damned nail decals for my second attempt of application.

⁴ This is one job that I believe I am well suited for.

⁵ Imaginary on your part because I'm totally boozing it up.

⁶ Queue 'It's Raining Men' by the Weather Girls. 

⁷ No judgement.

⁸ Only the chorus. I have and have not stolen anything that didn't belong to me, that I know of.

⁹ Yes, you heard me. I said it. I currently have Bieber fever. Deal with it!

¹⁰ Or at least that's what I'll tell them.

¹¹ I had written Brady Bunch, but I enjoyed the Munsters series much more than all those crazed blonde kids.

¹² I know she's going to kill me for this.

¹³ Yes, I'm speaking Spanish.

¹⁴ Because I told her to.

¹⁵ Other than the various times I've hacked into your Facebook.

Cinematic Fancies

In lieu of the various films that are currently being released for the up and coming winter break (in which I have no such break and can only hope and dream of Christmas past), I have complied a list of sorts for yours and my entertainment. This is just a mini-list, term used loosely, on a few cinematic attractions that have caught my fancy.¹

NOTE: Also, take in mind that I have made my assumptions on the greatness of these films based on the trailer and we all know how that can take a different turn most of the time. And go ahead and click on the image to watch what I'm talking about.

Keira Knightley, Jude Law & Aaron Johnson in Anna Karenina

Anna Karenina. This looks utterly majestic. The costumes, the artistry, even the music (in which using Two Steps From Hell's 'Nero' in the trailer is a +) makes me put this as my first choice to see in theaters. And a blonde Aaron Johnson? Weird and unusual, but I'll take it. I'm very fond of period pieces and enjoy the portrayals of elegance, poise, and sophistication that each character brings to the screen. I always come out feeling and saying 'I wish I wore those ginormous dresses.' And then there's the men. Yes, they were scoundrels and jerks and maniacal, calculating bastards, but damn, do they look good in period-piece clothing. And as far as the plot goes, I'm a huge fan of the love triangle or the there-are-certain-obstacles-that-can't-let-them-be-together-but-they-will-do-their-best-to-continue-their-love plot. What I do find interesting about this film is that for the first time ever, Jude Law is NOT the other guy! He's the one that gets cheated on! I know. I couldn't believe it as well. This is the first existing example, for me, of the most dreaded situation that can happen to an actor: being cast as the old guy.² I still look at him as that young, sexy homosexual in Wilde or that sexy piece of ass that Kevin Spacey was sleeping with in Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil.³ I know that we all age and our roles in life change with it. I just miss him being that hunk of a man he really is. Lately, he's been hiding behind a beard, which I believe will continue to grow for the rest of his existence because this isn't the first beard he's showcased for a movie (Sherlock Holmes anyone?). Regardless, this film looks to be wonderfully magnificent and a must-see in my eyes.

SIDENOTE: Unfortunately half the screen captures I've seen look like ALL Keira Knightley movies so forgive me if this picture looks indistinguishable from the rest.

Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz & Leonardo DiCaprio in Django Unchained

Django Unchained. Directed by Quentin Tarantino. Enough said. Then you add a remixed version of James Brown's 'The Payback' and you've got cinema gold. And forgive me for saying that Christoph Waltz looks mighty fine as the bounty hunter that teaches Jamie Foxx how to kill the bad guys. I wouldn't mind if he came looking for me in the middle of the night. I really enjoy how Tarantino lays out his films in a storytelling manner. You know you're not just watching a movie, but in reality a piece of art. And you can tell by the way he films, with interesting angles and photographic close-ups. And of course, his musical selections for his films are unparalleled and spot on. I like knowing about those little facts that make films increasingly entertaining, like in the last scene where Jamie Foxx informs that the 'D' is silent in his name (which I still have issues saying), he's actually speaking to the man that played Django in the original film. And then you've got Leonardo DiCaprio playing the bad guy, whom I admire as an actor for having grown from his tragic hero-esque personas he used to play. I simply just can't wait!

Alice Englert & Alden Ehrenreich in Beautiful Creatures

Beautiful Creatures. Right off the bat, the trailer begins with Florence + the Machine's 'Seven Devils'. Need I say more? This supernatural romance has me completely intrigued, up to the point where I want to start reading the novels. And it's not your usual Twilight flick. No, you can tell that this is going to be something different of the sorts. Completely new actors is a good thing because you know that there HAS to be more talent out there than Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. But yes, for this one I'm utterly excited and I can't wait. February 13th, I've marked you on my calender.

Kristen I Can't Act Stewart, Robert Should of Dumped Her Ass Pattinson & Sexy As Fuck Lee Pace in Twilight: Finally

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. Okay, let's be honest. Did you seriously not see this coming? I mean, come on people. I've sat through all of them. How could I not see how it all ends! And let's take into consideration the horrific scarring of the changes of the moon which will now and forever be connected to this damned series. I'm not even going to go into the discussion that Kristen Stewart only has one face for EVERY reaction and Robert Pattinson isn't even THAT hot. The only thing I'm looking forward to from this flick: the other fucking vampires. Yes. I'm damned tired of seeing the same damned vampires (except Jasper; I've got a soft spot for that guy) parading around Bella. I will admit; I really did enjoy the last movie because it was somewhat intriguing. Even though, again, Bella looked like she felt like vomitting through her entire wedding and honeymoon, it was still a pretty good movie. As far as Jacob, since I did not read the book, I can only assume that he just claimed 'dibs' on Reneesemee (or however you spell that dreadful name), and that's just wrong on SO MANY levels. Either way, I'm watching this, by choice.

SIDENOTE: Check out the amazing Photoshop skills displayed here in this lovely screen capture that I have acquired. Believe me when I say that I thought this was fan art only to find that there is an ACTUAL poster with this horrific monstrosity amplified.

Voice Talents of Hugh Jackman, Alec Baldwin & Jude Law in Rise of the Guardians

Rise of the Guardians. Santa Claus has a fucking tattoo. Said and Done!

Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage & Martin Freeman in The Hobbit: Something About A Journey

The Hobbit: Another Long Ass Walk. As long as their not walking for the entire length of the film, which happened to last about three hours in the last movie, them I'm good. But in reality, I'm only going to see Richard Armitage as a dwarf. Actually, practically all the damn dwarves look good in this film. So, I'm going to go see all of them. They're the closest thing to gnomes I can get instead of Gnomeo and Juliet. Oh, and I believe Lee Pace is also in this film as well.


On a Cinematic Sidenote:

Mila Kunis, James Franco & Rachel Weisz in Oz: the Great and Powerful or Something Like That

Oz: The Great and Powerful. This is another film that I simply cannot wait till it hits theaters. The only reason I have put it so far down on the list is because I currently have a bit of 'beef', for a lack of better words, if you will, with this film. Apparently, out of the three witches, one of them will become the Wicked Witch of the West and there is speculation on who it will be. Well, it can't be the woman in white because, 'Hello'! That's Glinda, Glenda, or whatever that Good Witch's name is who but all provides mini proverbs to Dorothy instead of helping her out as she should of and just sending her home in the first place. Maybe its the witch with the peacock feathers! Yes, let's completely overlook that Mila Kunis is wearing a hat that ONLY SLIGHTLY resembles the hat of the Wicked Witch of the West. Whoever it may be (*cough cough* Mila Kunis), this film is sure to be a visual pleasure.

The Creepiness That is this Commercial

World War Z. Seriously? Brad Pitt in a zombie movie? Now all I can think about is that damned Chanel commercial. No matter what film he does, I will always think of this ridiculous and creepy perfume campaign. Thank you Chanel! My ovaries no longer yearn for the touch of Brad Pitt.

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¹ And let's ignore the fact that I have been gone for about four months. I've been slightly busy, lazy, a little bit of everything. Just enjoy the fact that I'm back writing, though I can't guarantee you it is for good! I'm sporadic like that.

² Goes for women as well.

³ Yes. I totally did just realize that the man has been in an innumerable amount of films that have him playing a homosexual. Oh well! If you've got those boyish features, flaunt them any which way you can!

Fictionally Taken

Taking inspiration from this lovely blog post that I so happened to fall upon, "Fictional Characters With Whom I Have Fallen In Love", I decided that I too, shall write about my adoration for various fictional loves and all that attracts me about them. I can only agree with the writer, that I, in many instances, have found myself falling for various fabricated creatures of heaven, only to be disappointed that they do not exist and therefore continue to be disappointed by all types of men, real or otherwise. NOTE in Plain Sight: I do realize that I have been non-existent for the past couple of weeks. It has been pointed out to me. In short, I have been busy. People become busy, so therefore I became one of the busy. I am still busy, but considering the circumstances, I am currently free.

Loki Laufeyson. Let's be honest. Women always fall for the bad boy. It's just plain nature. Whether he's damaged or has overcome some obstacle in his life that has made him grow into his present state, there's always just something about the bad guy. Ladies and possible gents out there, this is my bad guy. First and foremost, he's a god. Omnipotency¹ works well for this man. Sure he's the god of mischief and you might want to disappear on the first of April, but that's what makes things exciting. You never know what he'll surprise you with. And to be honest, I believe he should take pointers from the guys of Dick in a Box. Second, he's sexy as fuck. I will say this. If this man did come to rule our world, there would be no hesitation on my part. Actually, if anyone were to ask, I'm self-proclaimed part of the Loki Laufeyson Welcoming Committee. Kneel before your ruler? Which leg goes down first. Third, the man is damaged. As always, it is in our estrogen nature to want to hold and cuddle men like this. Men, who have been overlooked and emotionally beaten are the most appealing. You want to fix all their problems by telling them everything will be okay, which then leads to an intimate moment between you and him, which leads even further to either one of two things: sex or a long night of cuddling. I prefer Option Number 1. So, of course when I saw my sweet, damaged bad boy pour out his heart and soul to his father who so happens to be not his father, I did what any woman would do in my position. I cried. At that moment, I couldn't mask my emotion for this tortured soul who has just come into realization that not only is he adopted, but he is from a different race that is hated by his own people. Hug? Yes. Cuddle? Definitely. Sex? No need for a question mark on that last one. The only con that is evident from this man is that he will betray you in a moments notice. And that little fact about him makes him all the more desirable.

Ned. Where there's bad, there's good and this guy is the sweetest topping of them all. Just plain adorable and possibly the cutest, sweetest, lovable, lovely, darling dear you have ever seen or heard of in television history. And the fuckers canceled the show.² Ned is one of those all-around good guys with a heart of gold, diamond, silver, bronze, you name it! His shy demeanor makes him instantly lovable, his smile and bushy eyebrows just melt your heart. His nickname is the Pie Maker for fuck's sake. How could you not love that?!? What makes him all the more appealing is his perseverance to keep his childhood sweetheart alive by doing the one thing that you would want to do to your childhood sweetheart if you were still hung up on them: Touch her. If you haven't seen the series, I highly recommend it. It was truly one of television's treasures that gets canceled because let's face it... Not everyone knows where the treasure is. Regardless, Ned is the epitome of the sweetest guy in the world. There's nothing wrong about him unless you consider that he helps solves murder cases by touching dead people, allowing them to speak for no more than sixty seconds, then touching them again, returning them to their rigor mortis state. But that's just his side job. Remember, he makes pies. And, if the time comes that I have been murdered, killed, or assassinated³, I can be guaranteed that this man will save me, if I haven't died already from the sheer idea of his existence. In that case, I will need a lot of saran wrap because there is no way I'm going through all of eternity without attempting to touch that man. And by touch, I also mean the option of "Other".⁴

Sherlock Holmes. Of course there have been many adaptions to this timeless character, but here is where I get to be picky. I am highly fond of Robert Downey Jr.'s portrayal of this genius detective, but it is that of Benedict Cumberbatch's⁵ Holmes that has me completely reaching for that box of Kleenex to catch the drool that I have been exuding for the past hour.⁶ He's weird, he's pale, he's tall, he's brilliant! Just my kind of guy! And what's better is that he's British. Check, check, and double check! Where do I sign?!⁷ Not only does he play the violin, the man's a loaded gun, a self-proclaimed "high-functioning sociopath". Call me crazy, in which you probably already have, but this man is hot. Not only is he probably the most intriguing character ever, he's practically psychotic. He's rude, inconsiderate, a complete ass, and he's the smartest detective that the literary world has come to know. There's always something that keeps a girl coming back for more when a guy treats her, for a lack of better words, like shit. Whether its the fact that their dominance exudes a sense of appeal or that plainly they just look hot when they're angry or ignoring you, we always 'come-a-running' when he turns the other cheek. In that case, give him a slap on the exposed cheek and see what happens. One of two things: you'll either need boxing gloves or you're not going to be able to walk in the morning.⁸ Nevertheless, Sherlock's game is purely intellectual. And who's better at messing with a man's mind than we are.

Pepé Le Pew. Yes, I know very well that this is cartoon character, but this adorable little skunk is the poster boy for unrequited love, something that we have all experienced at least once in our lives. The words love, devotion, and borderline stalkerish tendencies come to mind when I think of this amorous fauna that wants just one thing: to be loved. He's smooth, classy, a complete idiot. And all you can do is just love him! Plus, he's French.

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¹ Possibly just made up that word.

² Huge "discussion" to be explored here, but will not because, after all, this is a happy post.

³ I very well know that they all mean the same thing.

⁴ NOTE in General: Not only am I an avid fan of Lee Pace (actor), I just can't get enough of some of his other characters. So, in order not to give him prominence and favoritism even though he deserves it as well as the others, I would just like to mention his other character Roy Walker from the glorious and spellbinding film The Fall. Another damaged soul that tells intricate and mesmerizing stories in order to get a child to grab him a bottle of pills so he can remove himself from his current misfortunes: heartbreak and paralysis. Yep.

⁵ I totally got the spelling on the first go! Champagne showers son!

⁶ Give or take a few minutes since he's not always on the screen.

⁷ Yes, I do realize I have an obsession for accents. I like to call it a mere attraction to characters of the linguistic nature.

⁸ Let's be honest. Every now and then, a girl just wants to get slapped around a bit and thrown up against the wall, initiating the beginnings of the throws of passion. If you say you never have, then you're lying.

Shakespeare Should Be Proud

Practically everyday I sit in my car for about two hours, thinking.. listening.. watching. Now, it's not because I enjoy sitting in my car for two hours. No. That would be an insane notion. It's because that is the usual transit from my home to work. I get up, brace myself for the morning commute, and by the end of the day, I do a what you can call "a hauling of the asses". During this time I think of little things here and there, watch weird people here and there... You can say it's mostly here and there stuff. Sometimes I do listen to the radio, on very rare occasions if I may point out, and this post happens to be about one of those.

Due to the frequency of my listening, if you were to ask me, "Hey Chat, did you listen to that fly new song on the radio," I would simply answer with "No." "Why? I thought you liked music?" I do. I really do, but that was when music was music. When the "M" in MTV stood for music, not merde. At work, they call me the "music box" only because I know a lot of songs. And when I say a lot, I truly mean an ass-load. Sometimes, I can tell the name of the song and artist by just the beginning beats. But since this little tidbit is part of my superhero powers, I refuse to provide further information on the matter. We shall now continue to our regular programming.

Now, I've been known to harbor some questionable music (i.e. the Spice Girls¹,  Britney Spears², Justin Bieber³). I'm not saying anyone is better than anyone else. I'm just stating that music has undoubtedly changed. Now, if its for the better, I'm not positively sure. Actually... I am positively sure. It sucks now, way more than ever. I have a feeling that in a few years, the electronic age will take over and the sounds of a vending machine will top the Billboard charts.

What happened to music with meaning? What happened to songs that weren't produced just so that an album could be finished, released, and profited on?

I know what you're thinking. "Shit! She thinks of all of this when she drives?" That's a yes and no answer. Sometimes I switch between thoughts of sexy actors to work-related issues, but most of the time I think randomly. So, on my way home from work, I decided to switch to the radio and see what would welcome me on the other end.

Let's just say that I had a feeling on what was coming. As my index finger pushed the "ON" button, the sounds of Tyga's "Ayy Ladies" sang sweetly into my ears, filling my car at what could only be known today as music. Now I'm a fan of the general beat of a song, and this one's beat wasn't that bad, but it didn't make up for the lyrics.⁴ As the song progressed, my mind began to conjure up little ideas, until one stood out in my head as the best.

I began to think, "Shakespeare would be rolling in his grave right now." Well Shakespeare, I have taken it upon myself to become one of your disciples and convert this magnificently written artwork into a poetic piece possibly, if not hopefully, written, not by you, but someone trying to imitate you.

 "Ayy Ladies" - "Good Greetings, my Ladies"

Okay Now Ladies (Yeah) - As you will now Ladies (Aye)
If You Know You Bad (Yeah) - An thou knowest thee of consequence (Aye)
Don't Need No Man, Got Yo Own Bands - Doth not need a Sirrah, Thou hath thy own Bands
Put Up Yo Hands - Raise thy Hands
If You Ah Top Notch Bitch, Let Me Hear You Holla - An thou art a fair wench, Let me hear thy praise
Bend It Over, Touch Yo Toe, Whip It Out, - Bendth over, Touch thy toe, Whip't out  
Show Them Hoes Yo Bankroll, Slang It Out, - Show thee wenches thy shillings, Make't known
Do The Broke Hoe With It, Poke It Out, - Thou dost make't thee with thy wench, make't profound,
DAMN Shawty You CAN Get It - Alas Lass, thou can achieve it

Ughh 1234 Give The Booty 5, - Oh 1234 giveth thee arse a 5
I Like My Bitches Real Thick, Lil More Thighs - I fancy mine wenches with guard, a little more cushnet  
Richer Than Yo Ol' Head, No Lie, Stacks In That - Richer than thine old head, forsooth, Pounds in't 
Pussy Hole, Call Dat The G-Spot, Real Gentlemen, - Raven's nest, Hark yonder thy golden castle, Real Sirrah
...
Maan I Wouldn't Shake His Hand With Ah Broke Hand, - Sirrah, I doth not shake his glove with a worn one ...
Make A Bitch Strip Butt-Naked Like She Pole Dance, - Maketh a wench unfold arse exposed, fancied as a dancer of the Maypole 
...
Grab A Friend, Then Tell Her This This This, - Take hold of thy cousin, Bid her this this this
Yup Yup - Aye Aye

NOTE: Lyrics have been shortened due to excess use of the Chorus.

NOTE TWO: I am, or in no way, a student of Shakespearean literature. I take no responsibility for the imperfection/authenticity of the Shakespearean phrases... unless it is written correctly. 

NOTE THREE: I was about to "Shakespearesque" the whole song, but I thought, "Wait Chat! You actually have a life." 

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¹ Don't judge me. First of all, you know nothing about the Spice Girls.

² She's fucking Britney Spears. What'd you expect?

³ I have no idea why this child is on my iPod. I will attribute this flaw to my sister.

⁴ My musical preference is extended, physically and literally. I fear that if I begin to write about what I like, this post will convert itself into a short story. This is not what I want, so for now, I will not touch base about my musical tastes until later.

The Failure of the Nail Excursion

There was a point in my life, exactly three months ago, when I had this fanaticism with decorating my nails. Every time I saw someone with decorated nails, I would "Ooo" and "Ahh", but secretly I envied them and vowed that I would have the best nails in the land. This "nail fix" knew no bounds; even had me creating Pinterest boards on how many different ways I could decorate, manipulate, and paint my nails.

Newspaper nails? Yep, I have that tutorial, in French as well. Checkerboard black with a hot pink background? Yes again, though I still don't know if it requires a stencil or not. Floral nails? Serious? Are you fucking with me? You must of spent your whole damn day making those tiny flowers on something that's going to chip when you wipe your ass.

Regardless, it was a very low point in my life, this nail fixation, and there was a time that it reached an all time low. It was about the time that Sally Hansen had released her "Salon Effects." If you haven't had the chance to look upon this wonderful product, they are simply just decals for nails of "salon" designs that you MAGICALLY apply to your nails. It's that simple.


I believe this is what ensued in the minds behind Sally Hansen when they thought of this magnificent product:

- start commercial -

First Girl - "OH EM GEE, is that you Kelly?"

Kelly - "Hey Girl! What's up?"

First Girl - "Nothing much! Just getting some shopping done! How are you? Are you still with Jose?"

Kelly - "No, I left that cheating motherfucker's ass long time ago!"

First Girl - "GGGGiiirrrrllll! You know it! Lying son-of-a-bitch's need to get their asses handed to them!"

Kelly - "For real y'all!"

First Girl - "And OH EH GEE, how cuters are your nails!"

Kelly - "Thanks Girl! I got them did at a salon!"

*Kelly winks at camera*

- end commercial -


Practically every magazine, commercial, and bus banner¹ had that stupid nail shit advertised. And I was the moron who just had to have it. So one day, I planned it all out. I would walk to my local pharmacy store, grab one (or two) of the designs that I wanted, and walk back home, proud as ever of my purchase, ready to apply these wondrous products to my gorgeous hands and be the jealousy of all my coworkers the following day.

But alas, this was not the case. I remember that I began to chronicle my expedition for nail perfection only because I believed that, in the end, I would be victorious in this on-going battle waged against others with known nail perfection unbeknownst to them. So here begins the short, sad story of Dangereux and the Failure of the Nail Excursion.²

Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-147: Just came back from our nail escapade. Actually, went walking, but alas to no avail there was no other options. We are thinking about taking our venture out further. Here goes nothing!


Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-215: Entered a place called "Sally's Beauty Supply" only to come out empty. If Sally has every supply of beauty, then why doesn't she carry her own! Current Sentiment - Angered. NOTE: Did not realize that Sally Hansen is not the same Sally as Sally Beauty Supply. Apologies have been released.


Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-226: While entering premises, lady says" Pizza Hut is at the entrance. That's why you can't drink! Because you become an asshole!"

Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-228: Our mission is finally complete! Upon entering not one, but TWO stores, we believed our mission would have been futile! Yet on this premises, we found our sustenance!


Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-243: Okay, so it was $40 worth for nails. Current Sentiment - Thinking this adventure could have waited a bit.


Dangereux's Log 21-J-2012-549: So our expedition proved to be even more futile than before. After what felt like a day, but in reality maybe one to two hours, the application of the nail stickers basically looks like crap. There's no sugar coating it. The only thing I was proud of is the two black nails I painted.

And those two black nails were the sexiest ever painted.

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¹ Exaggeration.

² Yes, that whole beginning was an prologue of sorts.

NOTE: Yes, post was written in chivalrous form. No, it wasn't inspired by John Malkovich.

Me & Mr. Eloquence

Okay, this post is an urgent one¹ because I keep having the same exact thought whenever this damned commercial keeps playing on the wonder that is television.

Just a few days ago, I was idly attempting to write my first blog post in what seemed like a decade of writing, when all of a sudden I was hailed by my wondrous sister to join her in the activity of family time by the television set. Unfortunately for me, the channel was turned to American Idol. Yes, I succumbed to the two hours of howling and screaming from various "wannabe" musical artists (I say "wannabe" because they really do want to be musicians), to eventually have tears stream down my face as What's-his-face attempted to perform his first single while fighting back his tears of joy. Let's just say my stream of tears became a river.²

But that's not was has made this post so urgent for me. While watching said television series, one commercial struck me with such "Ooo...Ahh...I'd tap that," that it needed to be spoken of.

Ladies and Gentlemen (or Hello, less than ten people that read my blog!), I am completely smitten with the Apple commercial of John Malkovich. Yes, you heard correctly. Apple commercial.

I know what you're instantly thinking... "John Malkovich?... THE John Malkovich?... John Fucking Malkovich?..." Yes, John Fucking Malkovich. Yes, John Malkovich, who is fifty-eight years old and is actually old enough to be my father because my father is only fifty-three. Yes, THE John Malkovich from the film Being John Malkovich in which I've never seen, but people tell me it's a good movie. Yes, him. I know.. To me, it's slightly appalling and enthralling at the same time, but I can't help it. Here's what happened.

For those of you that have not had the chance to look upon this fascinating commercial, it's basically just propaganda for the iPhone 4s' feature of Siri, because in all actuality, no one uses Siri. Now, I speak, not from a numbers point of view,³ but from experience. Out of all the people that I know that have an iPhone, none of them use Siri. First of all, if you have the slightest hint of an accent, Siri will understand NOTHING you say. For example: I'm still trying to get Siri to look for local escorts whenever I say the phrase "I'm horny." The only thing Siri has contributed to my life is sexual frustration.

In the commercial, John Malkovich proceeds to ask Siri a question. In fact, he just says one word, "Life." (Now, there are two versions of the commercial out there; one with the meaning of life and the other with just a series of straightforward questions.) It doesn't really matter which commercial you see (though I'm quite taken with the "Life" one) because in both of them, Malkovich exudes style, sophistication, and just utter "damn-that's-hot" attitude.

I've seen some of Malkovich's films; Dangerous Liaisons, Con Air, The Man in the Iron Mask (I know this selection may not be his best works, but it's just to prove the point that the commercial isn't the only place I've seen him act in) and there's always been something about him. He has that "je ne sais quoi" trait.

In the commercial, Malkovich sits, tailored to the tee, in a grey, light-pinstriped suit, that sits on top of a blue dress shirt with an elegant, vertical pattern, and a ditsy, floral tie that adds just the right punch of color for a man of his stature and style. Surrounded by a sophisticated and modern ambiance that could pass as his study, he is situated in the middle of the room, window drapes opened to let in the sun. As he proceeds to ask Siri his question, she responds with her more-than-perfect answer. He, in turn, remarks on the exceptional answer Siri has provided and goes ahead to thank her in probably one of the most articulate and picturesque⁴ ways of doing so.

I have no idea if this is portraying his actual persona, but if it is, then all I have to say is "Oh My." My reaction was a mixture of being stunned, turned on, curious, melodramatic, and overall just baffled by how this man made looking good, charming, and cultured so effortless. Stunned because I've always found something interesting about this fascinating actor, turned on because a man in a suit with that form of speaking and eloquence gets my motor running and ready to break all sorts of traffic violations (No help needed from you there, Siri.), curious as in if he actually acts this way, melodramatic because I felt slightly lonely and I was still recovering from What's-his-face's performance, and baffled because he's fucking fifty-eight years old and I completely want to sit on his lap.

So there you have it, my confession to being enamored by a fifty-eight year old actor, who still looks great in a suit and speaks with such chivalry and eloquence, that I cannot help but think of him in dirty ways.

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¹ In terms of urgency, the first fourth of the post was written right after my last post. Unfortunately, things ensued in my life and I am currently finishing this post three days later than intended. So I currently have a new meaning to the word "urgency." It means "not that urgent."

² Yes I did buy the man's song on iTunes. Don't judge me.

³ Because the number might differ than my experience and that I actually don't work for Apple, this part of the post will not be calculated, statistically or truthfully. And no, I'm not going to go through the Internet and research if I'm right or not. This post was meant to be urgent and it shall stay that way.

⁴ Picturesque in terms of that a man of his prestige only exists in the cinema. If there is a man with these traits, minus the huge age difference, please notify me and I will send you an application for becoming the man of my dreams. Thank you.