Me & Mr. Eloquence

Okay, this post is an urgent one¹ because I keep having the same exact thought whenever this damned commercial keeps playing on the wonder that is television.

Just a few days ago, I was idly attempting to write my first blog post in what seemed like a decade of writing, when all of a sudden I was hailed by my wondrous sister to join her in the activity of family time by the television set. Unfortunately for me, the channel was turned to American Idol. Yes, I succumbed to the two hours of howling and screaming from various "wannabe" musical artists (I say "wannabe" because they really do want to be musicians), to eventually have tears stream down my face as What's-his-face attempted to perform his first single while fighting back his tears of joy. Let's just say my stream of tears became a river.²

But that's not was has made this post so urgent for me. While watching said television series, one commercial struck me with such "Ooo...Ahh...I'd tap that," that it needed to be spoken of.

Ladies and Gentlemen (or Hello, less than ten people that read my blog!), I am completely smitten with the Apple commercial of John Malkovich. Yes, you heard correctly. Apple commercial.

I know what you're instantly thinking... "John Malkovich?... THE John Malkovich?... John Fucking Malkovich?..." Yes, John Fucking Malkovich. Yes, John Malkovich, who is fifty-eight years old and is actually old enough to be my father because my father is only fifty-three. Yes, THE John Malkovich from the film Being John Malkovich in which I've never seen, but people tell me it's a good movie. Yes, him. I know.. To me, it's slightly appalling and enthralling at the same time, but I can't help it. Here's what happened.

For those of you that have not had the chance to look upon this fascinating commercial, it's basically just propaganda for the iPhone 4s' feature of Siri, because in all actuality, no one uses Siri. Now, I speak, not from a numbers point of view,³ but from experience. Out of all the people that I know that have an iPhone, none of them use Siri. First of all, if you have the slightest hint of an accent, Siri will understand NOTHING you say. For example: I'm still trying to get Siri to look for local escorts whenever I say the phrase "I'm horny." The only thing Siri has contributed to my life is sexual frustration.

In the commercial, John Malkovich proceeds to ask Siri a question. In fact, he just says one word, "Life." (Now, there are two versions of the commercial out there; one with the meaning of life and the other with just a series of straightforward questions.) It doesn't really matter which commercial you see (though I'm quite taken with the "Life" one) because in both of them, Malkovich exudes style, sophistication, and just utter "damn-that's-hot" attitude.

I've seen some of Malkovich's films; Dangerous Liaisons, Con Air, The Man in the Iron Mask (I know this selection may not be his best works, but it's just to prove the point that the commercial isn't the only place I've seen him act in) and there's always been something about him. He has that "je ne sais quoi" trait.

In the commercial, Malkovich sits, tailored to the tee, in a grey, light-pinstriped suit, that sits on top of a blue dress shirt with an elegant, vertical pattern, and a ditsy, floral tie that adds just the right punch of color for a man of his stature and style. Surrounded by a sophisticated and modern ambiance that could pass as his study, he is situated in the middle of the room, window drapes opened to let in the sun. As he proceeds to ask Siri his question, she responds with her more-than-perfect answer. He, in turn, remarks on the exceptional answer Siri has provided and goes ahead to thank her in probably one of the most articulate and picturesque⁴ ways of doing so.

I have no idea if this is portraying his actual persona, but if it is, then all I have to say is "Oh My." My reaction was a mixture of being stunned, turned on, curious, melodramatic, and overall just baffled by how this man made looking good, charming, and cultured so effortless. Stunned because I've always found something interesting about this fascinating actor, turned on because a man in a suit with that form of speaking and eloquence gets my motor running and ready to break all sorts of traffic violations (No help needed from you there, Siri.), curious as in if he actually acts this way, melodramatic because I felt slightly lonely and I was still recovering from What's-his-face's performance, and baffled because he's fucking fifty-eight years old and I completely want to sit on his lap.

So there you have it, my confession to being enamored by a fifty-eight year old actor, who still looks great in a suit and speaks with such chivalry and eloquence, that I cannot help but think of him in dirty ways.

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¹ In terms of urgency, the first fourth of the post was written right after my last post. Unfortunately, things ensued in my life and I am currently finishing this post three days later than intended. So I currently have a new meaning to the word "urgency." It means "not that urgent."

² Yes I did buy the man's song on iTunes. Don't judge me.

³ Because the number might differ than my experience and that I actually don't work for Apple, this part of the post will not be calculated, statistically or truthfully. And no, I'm not going to go through the Internet and research if I'm right or not. This post was meant to be urgent and it shall stay that way.

⁴ Picturesque in terms of that a man of his prestige only exists in the cinema. If there is a man with these traits, minus the huge age difference, please notify me and I will send you an application for becoming the man of my dreams. Thank you.